It's funny that how no matter how many times I internally house clean I still turn around and find new stacks of old baggage that I inherited. Some of it is a legacy from the family of origin; some of it is from lifetimes of memory; some of it is brand new problems I bought into in this lifetime with realising that I had tucked it into a corner of my soul to poison myself with at a later date.
I often feel a desire as I hit this stuff to ignore it. I'm supposed to be Awake, right? Shouldn't I have turned out all the dark hiding places in soul to the light of day? And why do
I have to experience pain so deeply? Even knowing that this experience is the corollary to feeling joy intensely as well doesn't really help in the moment.
In these moments I lose sight of the idea that I'm causing my own suffering. Everything becomes painful like a limb waking from a numb state. Intellectually I know that my problems are quite small when compared to climate change, global genocide, and extreme famine that many people all over the world are experiencing right now. And yet, the pain feels huge and overwhelms everything else in my life. I can no longer see the beauty around me or within me.
Right now, it feels like I'm running up a sand hill. The harder I run, the faster the sand slides down to engulf me.
There are strategies that I know work in times like this, but at the moment I don't have the energy to implement anything . Even realising that this is a poor cycle doesn't seem to be able to shake me out of the darkness. Even that inner Presence ever with me cries out to me in my dreams and yet I turn away, unable to listen in my despair.
I think I'll stop running now. Maybe the sand will stop sliding and I can get my breath. My heart needs a chance to weep and rest, a repite I haven't granted myself in quite some time.