Well, last night was quite a bit different that I had planned for it to be. Instead of a nice evening at home with my family I went to the emergency room. The strain of the last several months has taken a much bigger toll on my health and well-being that I have wanted to admit. When I hit symptoms last night that looked suspiciously like a heart attack, it was off to the ER we went, my lovely wife driving.
I must say that the ER staff at Stanford are terrific when faced with even a possible heart attack. They got me right into triage, took great care of me, and while everyone was relieved that I tested negative for heart attack (the technology for rapid detection is really amazing), they did identify a slight case of dehydration and I ended up with a nice saline cocktail before I was released to go home. Between their awesome care and concern, the relief at knowing was not having a heart attack, and the added saline, I was doing much better as we walked out the door to our car. (And for anyone curious, yes, I do have a stress echo cardiogram scheduled for Monday to rule out any other problems! Thanks for asking! <3)
Today I feel mighty tired. Between the lack of sleep (we left for the ER around midnight), and the very clear understanding that this yet another slap up side the head to slow down, commit to self-care, and continue to rework my life into a more whole version, I feel pretty beaten up. And yet, I also feel relieved and somewhat more peaceful than I have been feeling coming out of this transition from retail owner to artist. I had this idea that once we closed down the retail I would instantaneously recover all my physical and emotional damage. Yes, I do know this was highly wishful thinking, but I bet some of you out there have also been in situations like this. The sheer amount of cortisol I've been running for the past several months had to have done damage, and I was naive to think it would all just be peachy. I totally failed in my mind to add in the time to pack up the shop and close down the physical plant, and that I would not be able to start to heal until the keys to the building were handed over. So, last night helps me feel supported in using my voice to advocate for myself to slow down.
I had already come to the conclusion a day or so ago that I had overbooked October. Last night's run has convinced me to make an even wider space to recover. I may have to cancel some plans this month in the name of still being here and being whole a bit later on to enjoy life with my family and friends. I have much to release this Samhain, and much to celebrate beginning.