I started out writing this post, at first in my head, a couple of weeks ago. It had a very different focus then. For one thing it was full of hope, full of energy, and full of enthusiasm for the road ahead. You see I had discovered that a variety of health issues I have been having are related to menopause symptoms, and for me this heralds a transition that I am happy to welcome. I could literally feel the energy that had been depleted pouring back into me. I felt joyous, and as the stresses of a thousand unexpected major life changes began to lift, I felt like maybe, just maybe I could touch real happiness again. I felt like I might return to my old self, the one who was empowered and fearless. To be honest, this fearless me had a huge capacity to be far more fearless than me I have been up to this point in my current lifetime.
That all changed again last night.
The last twelve months have been an amazing roller coaster ride of change. While the winds of change had whispered (sometimes shouted) of the need for change, I have been so head down in survival mode that I really couldn't listen to their words. I found myself doing Sacred Work that I had veered from some years before, and the call to stand up as my most authentic self was no longer to be denied. My family and I made the tough decision that it was time to close our business of the last ten years, Purlescence Yarns, and move onto new ventures. I gained an almost painful clarity that my calling is as a Maker of Beautiful Things, and I could no longer hide my desire and ability to bring beauty into the World behind any excuses if I wanted to be happy and whole. I have lost friends and changed entirely huge chunks of my life. My family is happier and healthier because of this change.
It has been a frightening time. My body was almost pushed too far by the time my family and I came to that decision point. As a result I feel like I have a long road ahead of me to regain a physical sense of well-being. I miss feeling good in my body. The journey will be worth it, but it has been scary at times: anxiety attacks that kept me awake for hours with a racing heart, the first colds I've had in several years (two in less than 6 weeks that laid my lungs out for months afterwards), and to top it all off the heart attack scare this autumn. (PSA here: if you even *think* you might be having a heart attack, please, please, please go to the hospital. They will take care of you, and no one will say you shouldn't have come in. We need you here, now more than ever! And for my friends in women's bodies, the symptoms really are different so please look them up and become aware.)
I watched with horror as my country made sickening choices about who we are to the world. I'm not going to mince words here: I was very much in favour of Hillary Clinton for our next president. I feel that we NEED a woman president, and frankly she had my best interest as a non-binary, polyamorous, bisexual, pagan person of colour at heart. I live out loud and proud, and I do so knowing that there is a risk; my silence and hiding would create even more risk for my bretherin. She represents our best possible forward motion right now; a smart, capable politician with a great heart. Is she perfect? No, but neither am I (nor are you). What was that line about let he who without sin cast the first stone? Yeah, that.
What transpired last night was beyond belief in the western world of the 21st century. Even the political system itself failed us: Hillary won the popular vote only to lose the electoral college vote thanks to systems SET UP TO BENEFIT SLAVERS! Yes, please chew on that for a moment. Racism is endemic and systemic, alive and well in the 21st century of America.
I was terrified last night - but morning light (and the supportive words of dear, dear friends) has me lacing up my boots and taking the deep breath necessary to mount up for battle. Peaceful revolution is my goal, but believe me when I tell you that I WILL take this to the streets if necessary. This new, frightening world to which we awoke this morning is a place of high risk for me, but I know that the risk I face is far smaller than many of my fellow citizens. I stand with you. If you need help or safe shelter, I will do my best to assist you. I am starting the process of learning how we can abolish the electoral college, and if there is ANY hope of voiding this election since the popular vote and the electoral college are in conflict. Yes, I will harp at this even though lots of people have already bought into the idea that we can't fight this institution. I call bullshit here; we can fight this and we will, even if it is only to change it for the next election. I am also starting the process of raising moneys to support various LGBTQ organiztions, in particular to assist those with need to get any necessary name change and legal documents sorted as soon as humanly possible, preferably before January. Feel free to contact me or comment here if you want to help. We need all the help we can get to help as many people be safe and as whole as possible.
In my heart of hearts, I hope that this defeat will serve to further galvanise us to make more change, to continue in our vigilance. We have far, far, far to go in making a world where all are safe, where ALL are seen as created equal in this country. We had far to go before this crushing defeat of a return to the 1950's last night, and now we are facing the very real possibility of a roll back to a time when basic rights were denied to huge sectors of the population. WE MUST RESTORE THE VOTERS PROTECTION ACT! Yes, we DO still need it.
Take the time you need to grieve. If you need to talk, please do so. If you need to hide for a while to recover, I completely understand. In fact, please do practice good, solid, self-care, taking whatever steps you need to take in order to feel whole again. If you are then able to stand and march with me, then you will be able to bring the best of yourself to bear. If there is something I can do to support you in wholeness, I will do my best to help.
I WILL stand in the door. I WILL fight for myself, for you, for our families, for our country, and our world to be a better place. I WILL NOT LAY DOWN and let despair win. Know that I love you.
Beloved, be loved. Be love. Be.