One of the things I recently realized I was missing was the act of studying. I have been in the process of re-training spiritually and psychically in an active capacity for a while now, but I haven't really felt like I was *studying*...nor have I really been studying in other aspects of my life. In my heart I really am an academic and the act and art of studying, researching, reaching for new synthesis is an important part of who I am.
As I have been trying to edge closer and closer to expression my deepest desires, I have found more and more that I was missing this aspect of myself. It is not an easy thing to cram yet another activity into my life, but in deciding this was necessary it has been easier than I expected it to be. Like with many things in my life, when I allow space open before me it just does - flow happens. It's when I fight against flow that I can no longer move or breathe.
So, I have to acknowledge that I am ever a student. For a while I felt as though I should reach some point in my life where I no longer needed or desired to pursue new information, new insights; now I see that such a point is a fiction and it's really the journey that counts most. I am committed to the Journey now (with a capital J), even as my fear sometimes threatens to derail me. What if I change, become something so different that I no longer recognize myself? What if those changes take me away from all that I love?
In my less fearful moments I understand that my innermost essence is unchanging. That deepest part of me, the part that most deeply connects me to the partners of my spirit, will remain even as the circumstances of this incarnation shift and change. Everything I am doing now working toward this Great Work of Integration brings me closer and closer to this essential piece of me. That is the part that I want all my relationships to connect to. While some clearing of relationships that don't serve this growth and connection may well occur, others will deepen and new ones will form. I am cultivating trust in this unfolding, though ego still rises up with a crest of fear.
And so I study, learn, train and retrain, and in doing so find more and more that I want to share.