These fours words have a lot of meaning packed into them. When I asked my wife for her opinion of their appropriate order, I was surprised by her answer. My order of operations and hers were completely in opposition.
I have always felt like I have a purpose, but not one of my current choosing. I recognize that some of the spiritual burden I feel is a direct result of an horrendous childhood. Nonetheless, I believe that I came into the world knowing there was a job to do and that I had chosen to do it. I'm not sure that there was much of a choice to be made, but I am assured by people I trust that a choice I did make. I have felt that now I only need to find the strength to accept the commitment I've made, and the resulting desire and will to carry out the work I came here to do. Consequently, the order I would place those fours words in falls like this: Commitment, Acceptance, Desire, Will.
My wife's order was the other way around: Desire, Will, Acceptance, Commitment. I was blown away by her perspective. Her reaction to my stated order was visceral and unexpected. For her, my viewpoint was far too close to that of her cult upbringing - deterministic and removing all sense of free will. I truly had not seen it that way. Her reaction sparked a need for me to look deeper, to think hard about why I have ordered things in this way.
I have struggled the past year to articulate my deepest Desire, to be able to name my True Will. I have had an emotional sense of these things. However, I have been unable to label them, to define them, and I struggle with this uncertainty. I find it disconcerting when I cannot speak clearly. I want to be able to succinctly present my Will to the world. Instead, it has been suggested that I'm pursuing a definition with too ardor and that a shy lover is better sought with kind words and tender actions.
As a result of today's musings it has dawned on me that perhaps I have simply been looking in the wrong direction. I wonder if I was so busy looking ahead that I missed the earlier moments of my own development. It wouldn't be the first time in my life I have done such a thing: I walked before I crawled, too. I wonder if the piece of myself I often feel is missing is actually something I just overlooked, that was so natural that I took it for granted in my rush to fulfill the responsibilities of my decision.
By missing that moment, I failed to connect the responsibilities to the Joy of having made a choice born of my deepest longings. I didn't take the small measure of time to feel, really feel, that deep, unconditional Love that filled me with Desire, that shaped my True Will. It happened, uncelebrated or even noticed by me, and I took only the burden of the Commitment, missing the part where that Joy would have given me the strength, the drive, to truly Accept what I had committed to.
Ironically, when I look back at my life, what I Desire most, more than anything else, is Connection. At my deepest part I seek, pursue, and give connection. I breathe connection in and out, I want it more than all of that which I own. Selfishly, I want to be connected. I desire to build a web of connection, a real safety net, that brings all of us together in support of one another. I believe that I knew there was this great Love to connect me to everything even as I was rejected by those who should have been the source of this connection during my childhood. I felt it, longed for it, and my search for connection to this real truth - the truth that remains beyond all else - of Love has shaped my life even when I was unaware of the process of sculpting. "Why do I love when I still feel pain?," writes VNV Nation. Even in the most painful moments I find myself fighting for Love, despite my weariness, despite my sense of the gathering dark.
It is time, I think, to reorder my world: Desire, Will, Commitment, Acceptance. In doing so, I want to take the time to celebrate and experience the Desire that brought me here in the first place. Remembering the Joy of that connection, of that knowing of unconditional Love beyond all odds, reveling in that deepest magic, may well be the key to Acceptance that I have been missing. Let that memory drive my Will, to shape it consciously this time. I know what the Commitment is - I need to fill it with the meaning of remembering that moment of discovery. This is what I hunger for: Re-membering. From this, I can Accept the burden of the commitment I have made while remembering why I had the Will to make it in the first place.