The last few weeks have been hard. I have made decisions that were long over due and that will reach far into my future. The result has been a lot of hard work, although some of it has been surprisingly easy. The sense of ease has come in part from the fact that I am no longer fighting to be small. There is pain and sorrow. I have wondered when I would wake up from what feels like a bad dream.
Talking through some of this sorrow and pain with my Spiritual Director, we came up with the idea that I am grieving dreams - my dreams - that will never be. Even though they are just ideas that will not come to fruition, these dreams are a part of my spirit and I deserve the space to properly honour their burial. Out of this will come something new, new dreams will be born, as I finally give myself the space to be fully me.
And then, on the drive into work this morning, I became aware of an awful thought: THIS is what it feels like to be awake.
It will take a while, I think, to feel the Joy under this sense of obligation. Right now this feels like a burden but healing and rest will bring the bright colours back. It will never look the same. I understand that, and at the same time this reality is much clearer, more colourful, and filled with possibility than any dream state could be ever hold. And yet...I sorrow. And yet...I would have it no other way. It feels like the duties I had feared I was too small to carry out now rest easily on shoulders I didn't know I had. I am be capable of whatever the future brings.
"Rise Sleeper, kiss me and open,
Rise Sleeper and dream no more." - Briar Rose by T. Thorn Coyle.
Wow, can I borrow this? It felt like you were writing from inside my mind too!!!
Posted by: Teri Parrette | March 30, 2011 at 11:27 AM
Of course! Borrow away! (It seems that many of us are traveling through this change together.)
Posted by: Sandi | March 30, 2011 at 01:48 PM