I made a decision this past week. It wasn't easy, but it was very clear. I stated a need and drew a boundary around it. I still feel conflicted about the impact this decision will have on those I love, but I am very clear about how necessary it is for me to take care of myself. If I don't take care of my own needs, then I will have nothing to give to the people that I love and care about, not to mention the many folks I meet and help every day.
This past year has been hard. I have been on a journey of discovery and rediscovery. I am learning so much, and remembering more, that I am working very hard to integrate into myself as a whole person. It has been both easy and a struggle at the same time. If only I could let go and move with divine flow...yet I still fight, I still struggle to hang onto a paradigm I recognize rather than let the present unfold before me. Sometimes I feel like a warrior without a cause; other times I feel like the war is right in front of me, and I stand to lose everything if I make the wrong choice.
Still, at other times I do let go and flow, and the Work flows in and through me with ease. Sthira and sukha, steadiness and ease, from Yogic philosophy, is what I am seeking. There are moments when I absolutely feel like I am steady enough to find ease. I crave that feeling. When I remember to ask my Guides for help, the Work flows much more easily. Sometimes I wonder if my inability to ask for help, my complete failure to remember that help is even available, isn't some kind of childish need to "do it myself." I just don't know, but it's frustrating to watch myself do this.
In the face of my decision, I do feel somewhat alone. I can see where my path will take me, to some degree, into a separate space. This work is my Work, and it really belongs to me alone, as does anyone's higher Work. We each must traverse our journey homeward independently, even as we are traveling towards reunion with the Divine. Even so, there are many who travel with me, and I will find new allies as I open up to new possibilities. I sorrow after some of the people who cannot travel with me directly; we simply can't see each other over the hedgerows that separate our paths, and I need to be okay with that being the case for the moment. It will all change again, as change is the nature of growth. Paths will travel up and down, distances between will grow smaller or wider; in the end, we *will* all come to a place of reunion, of re-membering.
Be kind to one another. We need each other, even if we can't always be on the same path. Let us all remember that all paths are right for each one of us. No one can design your path for you. Only you can discern the shape, but there is help to be had simply for the asking.
Namaste. The Divine in me honors the Divine in you.
Hugs and namaste-- what's up? Call me if you want?
Posted by: Cari | April 12, 2010 at 06:58 PM