Well, sometimes bibliomancy is a thing, and when it is it hits squarely in the heart.
Today I was having a conversation with Tony about what we might like to do about landscaping our back yard. Over 20 years in this house we tried several different directions for our yard, but none of them have stuck for more than a few years. That's okay; we've been a growing family and change happens.
Nonetheless, it's time to do something intentional and new to our yard. Our overall focus as a family has changed. It pulled me up short today to realise that maybe I didn't have to want to do something that wasn't for me!
I grew up holding gardening in a sacred place in my heart. I was condtioned to believe that I had to be able to grow at least some of my own food, no matter where I was located. I do have all those skills; I know how to grow food, and I have in the past even taken pride in being able to produce far better tomatoes than I could buy at any market. Today, however, I realised that if I was truly honest with myself I'd have to admit that just maybe I didn't want to garden anymore.
My current physical limitations have brought a lot of this sort of introspection lately. I am having to choose what I do truly want to do, as my hands will no longer do all the things without sacrificing others. For the first time in my life that's actually OK: my desire to make beautiful things drives me to create art in a way that is more powerful than I have ever experienced, and that's saying a lot. Passion has always driven my life, but I am becoming clearer and clearer what my own passion is versus that of my ancestors. I honour what they gave for me to be here, and I believe that ultimately what they desire is for me to be the full experession of myself, and not a shadow of them.
The process of that expression blooms in great beauty and multiplicity. It is now a thriving tree, full of buds and promise of abundance even as the first blooms open. I have a peak at what it looks like to be truly free and it is tantalising. This is the first time I think I have ever felt this free.
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