It’s been a while since I posted here. I wish I could say that I’ve been having fun, but I really can’t. There have been some good things since early this year, but there have also been some really difficult times.
I had two heart attacks in July.
Yep, that’s right, at the tender age of 50 I’ve now had two heart attacks, six days apart. The really frustrating part is that I was doing everything right: I eat well, I walk regularly, do yoga (Ok, that part was not a regular as I wanted it to be!), and all of my blood work looks like I should be hale and healthy as could be!
So what happened you ask? An excellent question with a somewhat bizarre answer. I had something called a SCAD: spontaneous coronary artery dissection. Yes, it’s just as bad as it sounds. Basically, one of my coronary arteries internally shredded itself spontaneously. No, science does not know why this happens to some people. It’s rare. I suppose that the good news is that I have zero coronary artery disease (i.e., zero “plaque” in my arteries; they are as clean as the proverbial whistle), and I was incredibly lucky and my heart did not sustain any damage.
Now, I have new drugs, new doctors, very few answers, and a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety. It’s pretty clear that some of the stress I went through a few years ago contributed to this, and I’m working diligently on improving my very broken stress responses. My world feels small and terrifying right now. Every little pain (and there are a plethora of new ways to experience pain with this situation) feels like I may be heading back to the ER. That first word in this diagnosis - spontaneous - means it could recur or happen in another artery any time.
In a nutshell, if I’m a little on the quiet and withdrawn side, it’s because I’m dealing a whole new reality. My prognosis is good according to the cardiologist. He feels that I will be able to recover and come out stronger than I went in...and I am happy to report that I feel comfortable with this cardiologist and that he is working with the Stanford specialist on my behalf. Stanford happens to have one of two world class experts on this condition, and am overjoyed to be able to work Dr. Tremmel as well. In fact, my cardiologist at PAMF is actively working with Dr. Tremmel at Stanford to give me the best care possible. I was able to go to Stanford for treatment with both of my heart attacks, and the care was top notch.
After a bit of fighting with insurance (which my doctors took care of, thank goodness!), am now approved to start cardiac rehabilitation next week. Hopefully I’ll be able to complete the 12 week program and come out stronger and able to get on with my life. I’m currently fighting a lot of pain and fatigue, so I will do my best to stay in touch with people, but I don’t have very many spoons banked up, and days like today use all of them and then some.
I am practicing a lot of gratitude recognition: I feel grateful to still be alive. I feel grateful to have such a wonderful and supportive family. I feel grateful to have wonderful friends who have offered help and support. I keep reminding myself of these gifts every time the nasty voice starts up in my head, the one that is angry and full of resentment that this has happened to me.
So, here I am.
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